If we were in Pakistan , our options for professional courses after Std. XIIwould be as follows :
JEE - Jehadic Entrance Examination
IIT - Islamic Institute of Terrorism
IIM - Institute of Infiltration Management
CAT - Career in Alqaida & Taliban
IAS - Iraq after SaddamM Tech - Masters in Terror Technology
GATE - General Aptitude in Terror and Extremism
TOEFL - Test of Extremist Foreign Languages
GRE - Graduate in Relocation Extremism
MBBS - Master of Bomb Blasting Strategies
MBA - Master of Bombing Administration
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Gujarati Funeral ... Excellent one.
A family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Ba) arrived from the US. It was sent by one of the daughters. The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters: Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben and Varsha,I am sending Ba's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT. Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed. You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, cans of cheese, 10 packets of Tobler chocolates and 8 packets of Badam (peanuts) please divide these among all of you. On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct. Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan. Just distribute the rest among yourselves. The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist. Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her. The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews. Please distribute all these fairly.
Love Smita.
PS : If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days.
Love Smita.
PS : If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days.
Missing 3 keys
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever. Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!" "That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan."The bottle has a hole in it!" "What about the PC?" "It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys," "Which three?" "Control, Alt and Delete."
Simply superb……
A Sardar and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York . The American asks if he would like to play a fun-game. The Sardar, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa." Again, the Sardar declines and tries to get some sleep. The American, now worked up, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500." This gets the sardar's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The American asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Sardar doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the American. "Okay," says the American, "Your turn." So the Sardar asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The American thinks about it. No answer. Puzzled, he takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer! He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers. Checks the input. All to no avail! Finally, a long time later, he wakes the Sardar and hands him $500. The Sardar thanks him and turns back to get his sleep. The American, more than a little miffed, stirs the Sardar and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the Sardar reaches into his purse, hands the American $5 , and goes back to sleep!
Monday, October 8, 2007
A New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8)David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s--t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me"
12) The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8)David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s--t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me"
12) The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's
Examinations special
Ø Special offer........Bring a chit on exam day, scratch and show it to your nearest teacher and win free trip to Principal's office and enjoy 3 years vacation at home.
Hurry offer valid until exams only....
Ø It takes 15 trees to produce the amount of paper that we use to write our exam once (excluding supplementary). Join us in promoting the noble cause of saving trees.
Say NO to EXAMS
Ø Student's declaration at the end of answer paper. Reminds me of Disclaimer Notices!
"I hereby declare that answers written above r true 2d best of mine & my friend's knowledge & I claim no responsibility whatsoever 4any mistakes. Whatever I have written is truly fictitious & any resemblance with the Subject Matter is purely Coincidental."
Hurry offer valid until exams only....
Ø It takes 15 trees to produce the amount of paper that we use to write our exam once (excluding supplementary). Join us in promoting the noble cause of saving trees.
Say NO to EXAMS
Ø Student's declaration at the end of answer paper. Reminds me of Disclaimer Notices!
"I hereby declare that answers written above r true 2d best of mine & my friend's knowledge & I claim no responsibility whatsoever 4any mistakes. Whatever I have written is truly fictitious & any resemblance with the Subject Matter is purely Coincidental."
10 ways to stop those irritating calls
10 ways to stop those credit card sales, idea/hutch/airtel , insurance
calls etc ... (no offences PLz) J
1. After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry
you.
2. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her
if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her
back.
3. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
4. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold.
Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure.
Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
5. Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the
phone to your five year old child.
6. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak
up...louder...louder...louder!
7. Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every
word down.
8. If they start out with, "How are you today?", say "I'm so glad
you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all
these problems............"
9. Cry out in surprise, "Helen, is that you? I've been hoping you'd
call! How is the family?" When they insist they are not Helen, tell them to
stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really
MALE.
10. Tell the HSBC call center guy to call on your office number.
- and give him the ICICI call center number.
calls etc ... (no offences PLz) J
1. After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry
you.
2. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her
if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her
back.
3. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
4. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold.
Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure.
Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
5. Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the
phone to your five year old child.
6. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak
up...louder...louder...louder!
7. Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every
word down.
8. If they start out with, "How are you today?", say "I'm so glad
you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all
these problems............"
9. Cry out in surprise, "Helen, is that you? I've been hoping you'd
call! How is the family?" When they insist they are not Helen, tell them to
stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really
MALE.
10. Tell the HSBC call center guy to call on your office number.
- and give him the ICICI call center number.
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